What Are You Doing For You?

I played soccer the other day. It was the first time I had played in almost two years. And it was the best.

Today? Today I'm sore. But in the best way possible. In the way that makes you crave more physical activity because your body knows how good it is. Plus, I just feel like Erica, ya know?

This post is for the mamas out there. But really, anyone can relate to this feeling - of just trying to make yourself fit in.

Here's my story:

When I was in high school, soccer was my life! I even chose a college based on where I would be able to play. I ended up quitting the game after my freshman year for reasons that I don't need to go into. The point is I quit. I stopped playing. And at that point I stopped being Erica.

Dramatic? Yes. But when they say your twenties are confusing, they aren't lying.

In the past decade I've struggled with my career path, I've fought the urge to go out on my own out of nothing but fear, I've moved around trying to make a geographic place make me feel more like me (news flash - this is impossible), I've tried to blog about things I thought people would care about rather than things I actually care about, and endless other messiness that just happens in life.

For so long I looked elsewhere for that feeling of being Erica again. The problem was that no one and nothing else could fill that void for me. In order to feel like myself, I had to stop caring about the world around me and what they thought about me and start listening to what I want.

Listening to what I want - this is nearly impossible to do when you become a mother.

However, when I started putting myself first - a resolution I made to myself this year - I started feeling Erica creeping back in. And you know what else? My marriage is happier. My kids don't drive me crazy nearly as often. I'm following my dreams. I feel confident. I signed up for another season of soccer even though I was absolutely terrified that my postpartum body would never allow me to play like I used to. I started blogging about things that I feel in my heart, and in turn, my blog and Instagram has been growing! Being Erica is pretty awesome.

This post has been a little stream of consciousness and probably a little hard to follow, but I guess that's just me being me - I'm a little chaotic, a little bit all over the place. I've got big ideas that need to be wrangled in. I'm a thinker and a dreamer and not really an organizer. And I'm still a little angsty if I'm being honest :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is - if you've been wanting to do something and the only thing holding you back is fear, then that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Let yourself be authentic because it will pay off in ways you've always wanted!