How I Coped With an Unexpected Pregnancy

I have always tried to keep it honest and candid on this blog. I think that's what I enjoy most about other's blogs. It's the connection you feel with the writer. I enjoy the writing, too. It's therapeutic in a way, and certainly makes me think a little deeper. My mom will be the first person to tell you that I'm a thinker - and I think that's why some of my most honest thoughts come across so well in writing.I read this piece from The Everygirl yesterday and it immediately gave me all the feels. I read this and thought several times throughout that I could have written it... word for word. I also got the urge to tell my side of things.I've mentioned on this blog several times that I was less than ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant with Finn. But I think it's important that other women who may be having mixed feelings about pregnancy realize they aren't alone in it. After going through my own unexpected pregnancy, I have empathy for others in the same situation. Of course, I don't want this to come across as heartless or not recognize those women who struggle to get pregnant. I realize every day how lucky I am to have been able to carry and give birth to my son. However, that doesn't mean that every day I was thrilled just to be able to do so. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings about all of this. So here are mine:Having a child is a huge life milestone. Up until we had Finn, the biggest days of my life included graduations, first days of work, and of course our wedding. But after all of those events, nothing really changed. After having Finn, everything changed.At this point, we are a year and a half out from the day I peed on the four pregnancy sticks and saw four, very pink 'plus signs'. We were both in shock. David started making phone calls - attempting to talk out his nerves. I sat on the couch and tried to continue on as if things were normal.

The Initial Weeks

When we found out we were pregnant, we had just gotten married two months prior. I was only a year into my job. We hadn't even gone on our honeymoon yet! We were still renting. My sister just announced her pregnancy - this was supposed to be her time. The emotions overwhelmed me for the next few weeks. I started counting weeks - okay, I'll be this pregnant at Christmas. I'll be this pregnant when this project is due. Suddenly everything was about this pregnancy.I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, and at the same time, I wanted to keep it a secret for as long as possible. Then, as if the confusing emotions weren't enough, the hormones started to kick in. I was an emotional roller coaster. One day, feeling completely stoic and ready, the next ordering things on Amazon that we have never used just because I felt unprepared. Every other pregnant woman seems to have everything together. Why am I such a mess?Morning sickness kicked in almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I was eating saltines all day, every day. I was starving and couldn't keep anything down. I needed coffee - so tired - but couldn't stand the smell. I wasn't ready for any of this.In a strange way I am sort of happy that I wasn't ready. I had no idea what to expect, which kept things interesting. As much as I'm a writer, I'm also a researcher. I looked up as much information as I could about pregnancy and tried to organize all the information in my head. That tactic started to feel overwhelming, so I went back to my safe bet - continue life as if everything is normal.

Here Comes The Bump

Once I started showing, the entirety of my conversations became about my pregnancy. I became "the pregnant lady" rather than Erica. I did enjoy that it was an easy conversation starter, but I knew deep down in my gut that I have never been and will never be someone who would be satisfied being "mom". I never felt the maternal instincts, I still don't think I do. (I'm not saying I'm a bad mom, I'm just saying I don't feel maternal!) I knew motherhood would eventually come, but not this soon!Somewhere amid the second trimester I allowed myself to get a little excited. Things started to get real. It started to become fun to imagine our life with baby. Of course, I always imagined him being 2 or 3 years old, not the screaming newborn that awaited us.But I was terrified. I called my mom and sisters on multiple occasions crying in fear of the unknown. I was more scared about the labor and delivery portion of all of this than having a baby. Having a baby would be a breeze compared to bringing him into this life, right? We took a labor and delivery class over 6 weeks. Three weeks were focused on the labor part. Three on the parenting part. I remember vividly looking at David during the first "parenting" session and telling him I wanted to leave because I felt so overwhelmed. I cried on the way home because we weren't as excited as the couple who had already bought a minivan. They were meant to be parents. We got pregnant on accident!

OMG, Get This Baby Out of Me

Sometime around the 35 week mark, I didn't care about how scared I was anymore. I just wanted him out of me. I couldn't even think about anything else. I didn't care if we were unprepared or if we weren't ready... no one is ever ready. Even the couple with the minivan. I was waddling. I was swollen. I could barely eat because Finn was crushing my stomach. My pelvis hurt. I couldn't control my bladder. Just, no.

He's Here... And We Have No Idea What We Are Doing

If pregnancy was challenging, it was a literal walk in the park compared to the first few weeks home with Finn. All of those insecurities about not being ready or feeling like I'll be a bad mom - I didn't have a moment to think about any of it. My body was doing wacky stuff. Finn always needed food. My boobs hurt. God, the worst part is the boobs. I hardly saw David once he went back to work. The poor dog was neglected. We were a mess.But we made it. Finn is still here. He is happy and healthy, and so are we. Juneau gets out a whole lot more these days, too. I actually find myself nostalgic for pregnancy every now and then. I know my next one won't be the same. Instead of insecurities and anxiety about the unknown, it will be full of dread for the first few months postpartum. Okay, it wasn't that bad, but I am totally not a newborn person. Mom, can I just hire you for the first three months of your next grandbaby's life? :)As the article from The Everygirl mentions, it's okay to be ambivalent. It's okay to feel "eh" about all of it. It's also okay to be terrified, sad, unsure, full of grief, angry... and even excited about it all, too.I don't write these posts because I'm some sort of pregnancy/motherhood/parenting expert. I write them because I'm not. I was desperately searching for someone to relate to when I was pregnant. Someone with mixed feelings - someone who was grieving for their life before getting pregnant, but maybe was also looking forward to becoming a parent. I hope I can be that person for someone out there. If not, I hope you find some entertainment in my brutal honesty :)PS. How to Survive the First Three Months as a New Mom and Finn's Birth Story

How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?